Juggling the Priority of Church and Kids
by Jim Burns, Ph.D.

Volume 14 Issue 2, 2007

When choosing your kids is always the right answer

One year, I was speaking at the family conference of one of the most well-known youth organizations in the world. The conference was for the leadership of this organization and their families. Many of these leaders and their families do a similar work as I do. On Friday night of this weekend event, I spoke to the adults and their children. On the way back to my room after finishing my talk, I walked past two teenage girls smoking cigarettes. They looked a bit hardened and not much involved in the conference. For some reason I got to talking with them, and it surprised me when I found out that their parents were very high up in the leadership of the organization. I love working with the challenge of communicating with these kinds of kids, so we had a great time of open discussion.

After the morning session the next day, I was walking back to my room again and there they were — the same two girls, smoking. I stopped and we had a good conversation. Finally, feeling I was gaining some trust, I said, “I’m in a very similar job situation as your dad’s and I have three daughters. What advice would you give me for being a good dad and helping my daughters live meaningful lives?” Julie, the older of the two girls, took a long drag from her cigarette, then slowly put it on the ground and stamped it out as smoke was coming from her nose.

Ideas for Keeping a Healthy Relationship with Your Kids 1. Weekly scheduled times to have fun together. 2. At least four meals together each week. 3. A regularly scheduled monthly date with your child. 4. Family vacations that enrich and replenish your relationships. 5. Healthy boundaries with the church calendar and family calendar. 6. Showing your kids that your spouse is a major priority. 7. Have spiritual family times that are short, fun, and enjoyable. 8. Make sure your children receive special benefits for being pastor’s kids. (Take them on a trip, let them play hide and seek in the sanctuary). 9. Spend less time complaining about the church in front of your children. 10. Ask your children for ideas about the church. Children support what they help create.

She looked up at me and replied, “I hope you spend more time with your kids than my dad did with me. You see, he saved lots of kids, but he didn’t save me.” My eyes immediately filled up with tears. I went back to my room, got on my knees, and asked God to help me be the kind of father to my girls who would not put my vocation in front of my relationship with them. I’m sure there is another side to Julie’s story, but the fact still remains that our children need our attention and a role model to build a legacy of faith in their lives.

Frankly, the issue for me was not about the smoking or the girls’ wrong theology. It was the fact that too many kids of pastors and Christian leaders feel like their parents place their ministry ahead of the family. Raising kids today is simply not an easy task and especially for those of us in ministry. It is often very humbling. However, our kids must see by our priorities that we place God first, then our marriage, our kids, and only then our vocation. This doesn’t mean that we can’t pursue our calling but just not at the expense of a poor family life. Children regard your very presence as a sign of caring and connectedness. Find times to literally show them the importance of the church but that the church doesn’t replace the priority of family.

Doug Fields, one of the leaders worldwide in the youth and family movement from Saddleback Church, was in my youth group as a student. A few months ago we were having lunch and he said, “Jim, I don’t remember many of your Bible studies (sorry about that!), but what I do remember was the way you treated Cathy and your daughters. That made a lasting impression on my life.” I had been somewhat discouraged about my ministry at the time and Doug helped remind me of what is more important than numbers and events at church.

Our kids still will not turn out perfect but as we make our family a greater priority than our vocation they will not resent the church and be more drawn to their relationship with God. Over the years I have had the privilege to spend quality time with pastors’ kids and key Christian leaders’ kids. One of the key Christian leaders in America was asked by his son, “Dad, do you love me or the ministry more?” He paused and stumbled with his words and then said, “I love you both in different ways.” That was the wrong answer to a young boy who was searching for significance from his father. Reassure your children that they are not being sacrificed at the altar for the sake of a needy congregation. Rather, assure them that they come first and it is a privilege to serve God’s bride at the same time.

Jim Burns, Ph.D., president of HomeWord is the host of the HomeWord with Jim Burns daily half-hour, daily one-minute, and weekly half-hour radio programs. His passion is communicating to adults and young people practical truths to help them live out their Christian lives.

Most parents feel overwhelmed and under-prepared when faced with the everyday parenting challenges that arise. In his latest book, Confident Parenting, Jim Burns offers creative, painless advice on important topics like proper discipline, balancing self-care with family care, communicating with affection, warmth, and encouragement, and so much more.

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